Tag Archives: Humour

Dec 10 2012

Mummy the Surgeon

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We had a horrible time last night. Dexter’s best friend had a nasty accident and sustained a deep and potentially life threatening gash to his leg. It was absolutely heartbreaking and I’m still feeling shaken by the incident.

There wasn’t anyone else to blame for the incident other than ourselves. Charlie lives with us and is our responsibility. He and Dex are truly inseparable and Charlie comes everywhere with us. Both boys came around Nanny’s house with us yesterday and unfortunately we forgot to strap Charlie in his car seat when we drove the short journey home. When we got home we found Charlie on the floor by the back seat in a mangled heap. Craig quickly carried him the house and we noticed he’d cut himself really badly.

Charlie wasn’t breathing and we knew we didn’t have time to get him the hospital. His eyes were vacant and it was clear he had slipped into a coma. Dexter was very upset and kept trying to kiss and cuddle his little buddy better. It was obvious I’d have to save Charlie myself as there was no way we give up on him.

Through tear-soaked eyes I set to work on Charlie on our kitchen floor. Craig took Dexter aside and explained that Mummy was doing her best and he had to be a brave boy. We popped Dexter in his cot and told him that Charlie would join him later and be with him when he woke up in the morning. The pressure was certainly on to save Charlie and reunite the boys as soon as possible.

Two hours later, I emerged from the kitchen to find Craig sitting stone-faced on the sofa. He looked into my eyes to search for a sign of how things had went. I gave him a little relieved smile and he leapt to his feet and sprinted to the kitchen to see Charlie. Just a few minutes later we tucked Charlie in bed with Dexter so they could both sleep off the ordeal.

Charlie will never be the same. He now has a twisted black scar on his leg and is sporting a bandage whilst he recuperates. He’s being very brave but has had a few diva moments. This morning he insisted on trying some of Dexter’s breakfast and made a right mess of himself. All in all though - we’re so glad he’s okay and both boys are (mostly) all smiles this morning.

Nov 29 2012

Worst Customer Service Ever?

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Whilst ringing around to gather some quotes for getting our chimney swept:

(Phone rings)

Anon: Yep

Craig: Um… This is XXXX? You sweep chimneys?

Anon: Yeah

Craig: Excellent. I’m calling to get a quote for having our chimney swept…

Anon: (laughter) … You must be hard up then mate

Craig: Excuse me?

Anon: Money must be tight!

Craig: No. We’ve never had a chimney swept before so I’m just calling around to find out how much it will be. It’s an open fire…

Anon: Best keep calling around then mate (hangs up)

I’m absolutely shocked! I figure he must have had a shocking day. Perhaps his pet died, he walked in on his wife in bed with the Gas Man, or maybe his numbers came up in the lottery and he forgot to buy the ticket… must have been pretty awful to think that this conversation was acceptable.

Craig actually made this call at work and was laughing about it by the time he returned home. I guess my other half knows me pretty well as he refused to tell me the company name. I’d definitely be on that phone now giving this idiot a piece of advice or two.

I appreciate we’re in a recession and local businesses are feeling the strain. It must be a competitive industry and frustrating to be constantly priced out of the market by bigger competitors - but this is essentially a service industry. This guy probably relies on repeat business from homeowners - and this is probably his busiest time! He needs new clients right now to keep the money coming in to keep him afloat during the slow summer months. What a ridiculous way to speak to people!

Turns out we were pretty naive as it’s only costing us £50; so a pretty minor sum. But we weren’t to know how inexpensive it was when we made that enquiry. He could have quoted us £70 and we’d have gone ahead and booked. A prize idiot it would seem.

Have you had got any incredulous customer service stories? Would you ever name and shame?

Sep 25 2012

A fairytale wedding and excellent first holiday for Dexter (… & some serious eye candy for the ladies)

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So here it is - the post I’ve been putting off. There’s just so much to say about our recent holiday that I’ve been finding housework to do rather than contemplate it. But its such a major event in Dexter’s life, it deserves a good write-up - so here we go.

Our holiday began at 2am on Friday 14th October - we drove to Gatwick in Grandad’s car with Dexie fast asleep beside us in his car seat. We thought we’d left plenty of time to clear all the airport formalities but we ended up having to run for the departure lounge! Our meet-and-great service was terrible and the TravelEx girl was desperately flirting with Craig so we were held up before clearing security. Luckily having Dexter with us meant we had speedy-boarding with Easyjet - so we had a few minutes to recover from the airport dash before the plane took off. The flight was largely empty which was excellent news as Dexie got his own seat in-between mummy and daddy - he was amazing and slept virtually the whole flight.

We arrived at the apartment tired, excited, and desperate for a swim. Unfortunately my suitcase broke on the flight so I held everyone up at Faro airport reporting missing items with Lost & Found. The apartment was listed on both Owner’s Direct and HomeAway.co.uk and seemed to show stock photos of other apartments for sale in the complex. Because of this we weren’t 100% sure how they would look in the cold light of day. We weren’t disappointed as they were stunning. The decor was lovely, and the rooms were huge. All of us remarked throughout the holiday that you could quite happily live there. There were also some extra features like a touch screen stove, state-of-the-art air con and all the mod cons you could think of.

Dexter explores the beach - he liked the feel of the sand on his toes

My only criticism of the apartments would be the pool. There was some light maintenance needed and it was much too cold for Dexter. As I’m not a strong swimmer, I thought this wouldn’t bother me but it was so hot out there that the pool was essential for cooling off.

We were based in Quarteira - a small beach town that was largely closed for the summer. It was perfect as I didn’t want a busy resort given I’m still carrying my baby-weight. We spent a large chunk of our time relaxing on the beach or having a few beers at the beach-side bar. Dexter coped fantastically with the heat and was perfectly happy in his Koo-di travel cot laying on the beach. This was undoubtably the best thing we packed as it kept him in the shade and allowed him to nap wherever we went.

The worst buy has to be his pushchair. Although the Quinny Buzz 3 is brilliant and everything we want from a pushchair, we bought ours secondhand the wheels were very worn. They only lasted 6 hours in the heat before one burst unexpectedly whilst we were out. Unfortunately the apartments had already let out their only on-site pushchair to another couple so we were screwed. We tried his Mamas and Papas baby carrier but Dexter is really heavy and it was too hot to use this all the time. We ended up popping in a new inner tube (we brought one with us) and tying some rubber gauze around the hole in the tyre - this seemed to do the trick.

Somehow Dexter settled into a routine perfectly. We still gave him a bath every night using his Summer Infant bath seat and this worked perfectly. He was asleep every night by 8pm with no fuss, and woke up at 6am ready for play-time and a bottle. This was brilliant as nanny and grandad could babysit for us and we could grab a taxi into Vilamoura for drinks and food. We hadn’t expected Lynne and Terry to be so generous with their baby-sitting but it was much appreciated as Craig and I really enjoyed having time alone. We ate in some gorgeous restaurants (our favourite was the Mayflower) and talked loads about Dexter and the sort of parents we want to be. It was actually really romantic staring across the marina with a few drinks, and reminded me why I’m so in love with Craig and my little family.

Dexter really enjoyed having a whole uninterrupted week with daddy

Of course, the whole reason we were in Portugal was to attend the wedding of Alison and Kenny. Kenny is one of daddy’s closest friends and they used to live together back in daddy’s care-free days. Alison’s dad used to own a villa in the Algarve so it’s close to her heart. About 50 of us flew out to be part of their special day which is testament to them being so lovely. When Dexter was born, Alison and Kenny were the first to invite us round for a BBQ. I’ll never forget crying in their garden because Dexie wanted a feed and I was too tired to breastfeed. This BBQ was where Craig and I decided on the name Dexter after quizzing Kenny and Alison’s children Reece, Jay, Jess and Becca. They managed to convince Craig that the name isn’t synonymous with big glasses stuck together with sellotape and being dunked into toilets at school.

The wedding was beautiful. The entire day was spent at an exclusive hotel and we had the run of the entire grounds. The ceremony was held in the shaded garden and was pretty much perfect. The music was provided by an acoustic guitarist that looked like he’d starred in a Whitesnake video but he was excellent. The vicar was really funny and threw in a few jokes throughout the service too. Jess (Alison’s daughter) gave a brilliant reading too which brought a little tear to my eye. If I have a daughter and she grows up to be anywhere near as bubbly, friendly and confident as either Becca or Jess I’d be the proudest mum on the planet. To top it all off, Alison and the girls looked really stunning - it really was an idyllic wedding.

Dexter was supposed to make an appearance at the reception with nanny and grandad but the taxi drivers out there were shocking and failed to turn up. Lynne had already woken Dexter to dress him and felt it would be cruel to take him when he was so sleepy. I was a bit gutted as I’d been raving about him all day and wanted to show him off (but to be honest we were both a little drunk!). Lynne was also going to bring a much-needed pair of flip-flops with her as my feet were ruined in the heels I was wearing. To be honest I picked the worst outfit ever. Everyone else was in maxi dresses and managed to keep cool. I, on the other hand, wore a silk shift dress that showed every lump and bump. It also marked easilyand I was stuck with a water mark from a champagne glass before the ceremony even began. I’ve had to untag myself from a few pictures of me that were posted innocently on Facebook as I can’t bear looking at myself - time to hit that diet and get back into a size 12 I reckon.

Craig was on form as always. He looked really lovely and was really funny after a few drinks. There was some ‘dad dancing’ on the dancefloor and lots of bad jokes. The after-dinner speeches were great with Py (the best man) and Kenny trying to outdo each other with the comedy. It’s really lovely that all Craig’s friends are so close after all these years. Many of them have known each other since secondary school (that’s a good 30 years). They’re a really great bunch of guys and I guess our own wedding will be just as fun if we get everyone drunk enough.

The resort in the early morning - everything was perfectly manicured

Our apartment from the beach - we were seconds away from this everyday - bliss!

We were so close to the beach!

On the last night we took out nanny and grandad for a posh meal to say thanks for coming on holiday with us. It was a really relaxed week with them, and their support was invaluable. They were really lovely company too and we had a few giggles along the way. Dexter is lucky to have such awesome grandparents. As we were waiting for the meet-and-greet service at the airport on the way out to Portugal - mummy overheard nanny Lynne chatting to a lady and heard her say “We don’t see enough of him” (about Dexter). It broke my heart a little bit. We should all see each other much more than we do - hopefully Craig can take Dexter to see his mum and dad more often now he’s in charge of day-time childcare.

Terry and Lynne at the Mayflower Restaurant in Vilamoura Harbour

So what did we learn about Dexter on holiday? We learnt that he’s an amazingly well-behaved and happy child. He handles change brilliantly and always has a smile for us. His sleeping is much improved and he’s regularly managing 12 hour night-sleeps, with a few naps throughout the day. We can now leave him with babysitters with confidence knowing he won’t fuss throughout the night. This is excellent as it means we can go out for dates more regularly. We’ve also learnt that Dex hates cold water and it’ll take a while for him to enjoy swimming. We’re going to try taking him to the local pool here in Reading as its heated - if that doesn’t work we might have to leave it awhile before trying again. Finally, our little lad will sleep anywhere. The one night he came out with us in the evening he sat in a bar with us whilst Craig watched a Champions League match - the noise was deafening. After this there was a live band and karaoke… Dexter slept through the whole lot!

Craig and I have now promised each other that we’ll go away a least once every year. It’s important for us that Dexter grows up having seen and experienced different places. He needs to realise there’s more to life than ‘home’ so he grows up worldly and responsible. This was a relaxing beach holiday and one spent with family and friends. In the future, when he’s old enough, we’ll take Dexter to places where we can explore the local culture and we can entertain him easily. We’ve spoke about Disney World (my idea of hell but a rite of passage for any child), Safari’s and other clichéd holiday destinations. They’ll need to be lots for him to do so we can fill his days with new experiences. Until he’s old enough to appreciate it, we’ll pick parent-friendly destinations where we can enjoy the peace and quiet. I know Mauritius and the Maldives are high on our list.

As there is so much we want to see and do as a family, it’s unlikely we’ll go back to Portugal. It would have to be somewhere really special for us to visit somewhere twice. As a relaxing beach holiday however, we’d definitely recommend Portugal. It was so family-friendly and the climate was perfect in late September. I really liked the way that the Portuguese seem to really love spending time with their children. They eat late into the night and there were countless buggies past 10pm down on the Marina. The prices are excellent and there are lots of water parks and boat excursions in the peak season. We didn’t do any of these as it wasn’t what we wanted from this holiday but I’ve heard that they’re well worth the money. We stayed at the Cavalo Preto apartments in Quarteira (right next to the beach). These apartments were truly stunning and great value for money given they are a short taxi ride away from the action-packed Marina.

Finally, I know I promised some eye candy for the ladies. So here’s my Craigy! He was separated-at-birth from David Beckham don’t you know!

Jul 25 2012

Who are you at 10 weeks?

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Yes. You are now a whole 10 weeks old! You are growing by the day and turning into a lovely little boy before my eyes. Mummy and daddy are now well versed in your ‘little ways’ and you are getting much better at chatting to us and signing what you want. It’s certainly exhausting (and expensive) work keeping you occupied, but every little smile you give makes us all the more determined to fill up your life with wonderful experiences.

So what have you been up to so far, and who is Dexter Thomas Mills? Well…

You are prone to the odd diva fit

I’m sure every mummy in the world has dealt with mild hysteria from their babies. You however, take this to a whole new level. When you’re hungry, the whole world knows about it. I’m seriously surprised the neighbours haven’t called social services about the blood curdling screams emanating from our flat when we’re preparing your milk in the bottle-warmer. Nothing will distract you; no amount of cuddles and singing will calm you, and you’ve cottoned on to the fact that no amount of sucking on a dummy will ever produce the magical elixir that is your milk.

“Umm… Bottle please mummy… Mummy, bottle?… Bottle NOW please mummy… Maybe you didn’t hear me - Bottle NOW.”

Similarly, you’ll whinge at the slightest indication that you need a change of clothes. You’ll happily coo whilst mummy or daddy perform Operation Nappy Change, but lift a t-shirt over your head and your bottom lip wobbles. If there is even a fraction of a second where the fabric obstructs your view then we’re in for at least one full minute of unadulterated strop.

Surprisingly, nothing else will give you the hump in the same way. You can fall asleep anywhere, in any position, regardless of the noise around you. If you are bored, the simplest of things will nip a tantrum in the bud. You are in fact, so chilled that even your first set of immunisations only produced a 2 second whinge.

I’m convinced that your behaviour now is likely to be representative of your behaviour when you’re older. This means you are most definitely your daddy’s son. Daddy is the most patient, loving and funny man that mummy has ever known. Daddy, however goes into a Dexter-like meltdown if he’s tired, can’t find his mobile phone, is forced to watch Jeremy Kyle, or gets stuck in traffic. Any one of these world-ending events will result in daddy throwing his toys out of the pram in a momentous fashion.

You love water

Yep. You’re a water baby! It didn’t take you long to work out that washing is a daily necessity you can most definitely live with. Strip you naked and dunk you in the bath and you transform into a right old exhibitionist. You love showing off your newly acquired skills in your plastic tub in the hallway (we have to wash your here as mummy doesn’t like sitting on the tiles in your bathroom). Next to singing-with-daddy, bath time is the only time we’re guaranteed a smile.

Bath time with daddy!!!!

We are most definitely on Dexter-time

Many babies at 10 weeks will have settled into the semblance of a routine. It’s pretty rare they will get a full 12 hours sleep at night, but many will reach a certain point in the evening and know that it’s bedtime. Most babies at this stage will also be feeding at regular intervals throughout the day (usually every 3-4 hours) and be steadily increasing the amount of milk they’re taking onboard. Unfortunately your obstinacy has led mummy and daddy to believe that you, Dexter Thomas Mills, are clearly either a trend-setter or set to be a very unpredictable teen.

We’ve tried everything, read every book, scoured every website and parenting forum… looking for answers as to why your sleeping pattern is so inconsistent. Although you are pretty consistent with the whole feeding thing, there is simply no dictating to you when you’ll sleep. You wake between 2 and 3 times a night for a feed and like to surprise mummy and daddy by changing the times of said feed every night. You also enjoy the odd nap in the day and like to take said nap at different times everyday. There is simply no telling you otherwise. If I try and rouse you throughout the day when a nap is in progress, you play dead and refuse to open your eyes. If I try to set you down when you aren’t ready, you cry uncontrollably and thrash until I pick you up.

However unpredictable you are, there are some times we can guarantee, without fail, you will be awake; when mummy and daddy are watching a programme that requires concentration, eating their dinner, or bidding on eBay. But these few occasions of irritating regularity don’t end there! There are also guaranteed sleep times! Every time we step a foot outside the front door your eyelids come down and you enter a sleep coma. Many mothers might be jealous of mummy about this, and it does have its benefits, but it would be nice to show you a little more of the world than our two bedroom flat.

I’ll decide when I sleep

Butter wouldn’t melt hey Dex?

So there you are youngest Mills! Lots coming up for you over the next few months with a weekend away in Leicestershire (going to a theme park / zoo), a holiday in Portugal, a house move, and mummy going back to work! More on these as and when you allow mummy an hour on the laptop…

 

Love you baby!

 

 

Mar 18 2012

My clever boy - at 30 weeks!

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My genius son sent me a card from the womb!

My genius son sent me a Mother's Day card from the womb!

And he can write! ... Expecting big things from you baby!
And he can write! ... Expecting big things from you baby!

Oct 9 2011

What we know already about Baby Mills (apparently)

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I’m sure you’ve already worked out how excited we are to be extending our family. Craig and I talk daily about our hopes for Baby Mills and what kind of parents we want to be. Obviously, right now we don’t know much about him or her, other than the fact they’re absolutely wanted and they’ll have a loving home, but the internet tells us differently; in all its infinite wisdom it offers us the ability to see into the future. As an excited mummy-to-be, I spend hours trawling baby and parenting websites for competitions, blog content, cute toys, and advice - it’s therefore inevitable I’ve stumbled across some of this website weirdness…

OurBabyMaker.com

Baby Shrek

What a joke this is! The idea is to upload a picture of yourself, and your partner, to get a 3D likeness of what baby will look like. I almost cried when I saw this creature. If it wasn’t for Craig wetting himself with laughter I would have worried the whole way though my pregnancy! Don’t get me wrong, as long as baby is happy and healthy we’ll love him or her unconditionally… but I really hope Baby Shrek doesn’t become a reality (for his or her sake aswell as ours). Let’s face it - Baby Shrek looks like something from a bad made-for-tv horror movie. The way he’s bent forward makes it look like he’s clutching a machete in his tiny grip! And then there is the Rooney-esque ginger widow’s peak! I actually repeated the upload twice in case there was a problem the first time. But no, this is genuinely what a Chamberlain / Mills fusion supposedly looks like.

Let’s just say, the option to “Share the news” and post onto Facebook was declined and the website was instantly stricken from my browsing history. He really is the sort of baby you would hide under the blanket in public.

MorphThing.com

Baby Blue Eyes

Aww… I do like this one. Shame I can’t believe our little one will look anything like it. Baby Blue Eyes is simply adorable but she’s blonde! I know babies change dramatically during their first few years and eye and hair colour rarely stay as is from birth to childhood, but I can’t see me producing a golden-haired baby. That said, I really hope I do! Baby Blue Eyes has the most beautiful little face; nice and chubby cheeks with huge eyelashes and a perfect button nose. I looked chinese when I was born, with tiny eyes and a bush of black hair. In fact, I would go as far to say that I was an ugly child. This little angel is the complete opposite. I can’t see too much of either in us in Baby Blue Eyes if I’m honest. I’ll leave this one to my readers to decide…

As an aside, I’d recommend this site if you are partial to such ridiculous pastimes. The photo uploader is much quicker and you have to outline each of your features in detail before the image is produced. This makes it feel as though it’s actually generating something clever rather than downloading something random from the internet.

And moving on…

So now we know what Baby Mills will look like, let’s focus on whether Craig and I have made a boy or a girl. This is understandably a very important question. It will determine baby’s name, the colour we decide to paint the nursery, and whether we buy cute little dresses or trainers in preparation for their arrival. How can we possibly find out before the scan?!

Well this time we can thank the Chinese! Apparently they’ve had this nailed for ages! In fact, the Chinese Gender Prediction Chart was supposedly discovered in a tomb, and is rumoured to be over seven centuries old. The original is said to be on display at the Beijing Institute of Science in China. For me, there is a note of irony here given the 1978 1 child policy - you would have thought they might have foresaw their predicament and taught their gender prediction tool in Chinese high-schools!

So how accurate is it? Reports vary of course, with some reporting greater than 50% accuracy (50%! well worth a look then!) .

So using the incredibly basic little matrix (I would post a picture of this chart but it’s so incredibly pathetic, it’s not worth plugging on here). I can now reveal that we are expecting… a baby boy! Given we have the name for a little boy already sorted, this really takes the pressure off.

So Jake Mills - welcome to your blog!!!!

Right I’m off for a lay down xxx

Sep 25 2011

It’s just one long list of Can’ts

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CAN’T hold it together

I knew I’d be emotional but this is ridiculous! I’m moody, irritable, excited and tearful - all in one big scary bundle. Poor Craig took me to the cinema three days ago only for me to blubber through the entire showing. I turned up with a full face of make-up (liquid eyeliner etc) trying to look remotely glam for Craig. The film starred Seth Rogan (Knocked Up, Pineapple Express), so I’m expecting something funny and targeted at the” beer lout” generation - How wrong was I??? I’m restricted on what I can say as it was a preview screening (meaning the audience were tasked with road-testing the movie; we were made to sign disclosures, the security guards resembled MI5 agents, and Craig was ‘politely’ asked to hand in his iPhone before entering the auditorium doors). All I can say is that I left the Vue in Reading looking like a member of Kiss. My cream cardigan was stained black as I was forced to use it to wipe away my tears (too scared was I to ask agents A, B, E and F if I could get some loo roll from the ladies).

But tears turned to frustration a few days later when Friday’s episode of A Place in the Sun turned out to be a repeat of Thursday’s! What was More 4′s production team thinking??? I went so far as to type ‘More 4 complaints’ into Google before I realised how stupid I was being!

Not complaining baby - you’re worth it x

CAN’T stay awake

As this rate I’ll be lying in bed for the whole 9 months and being fed through a drip! I know the experts say this fatigue will subside by the second trimester, but personally, I’m doubtful. I’m in bed by 9pm every night! I’ve missed Educating Essex, The Eviction of Dale Farm, Downton Abbey - and a whole host of ‘educational’ programming I’ve been waiting for all week. Why do the terrestrial channels tease us by putting such gems on past the watershed? My dongle credit is dwindling as I’m forced to turn to BBC iPlayer (and the like) to catch up!

Last night I was forced to call out to Craig to plead for a glass of water; I had no energy to even get out of bed and fetch myself one. I’m lucky he’s so good-humoured and sweet. If the situation was reversed, I’d be lifting up the bed covers to see if he still had legs of his own! Speaking of the man of my dreams… Craig ordered the pregnancy books I wanted! I must have been in Waterstones for hours on Thursday - wading through the millions on sale; I figured there must be an ideal bed companion that would teach me enough to earn an honorary degree in obstetrics - the amount of time I’m spending in bed, there has to be some good to come out of it! My list of requirements was therefore exhaustive - I wanted pictures, I wanted diagrams, I wanted daily progress reports, I wanted medical jargon… a tome of a pregnancy manual. Having narrowed it down to two (ISBN numbers scrawled on the back of an old receipt), I came home and trawled price comparison websites to find the best price. Good old Amazon came through. I logged in as Craig, added them to his shopping basket and waited for him to tell me off for accessing his account. Imagine how my heart melted when he came into the bedroom last night and whispered to his sleepy and barely deserving girlfriend that he’d dived straight in and ordered them… I love you Craig xx

Your Pregnancy Bible

Your Pregnancy Bible by Dr Anne Deans

CAN’T smoke!!!! Argh!!!!

I don’t want to complain too bitterly about this. It’s been consistently reiterated to me about the harm it causes to the unborn baby; increased risk of SID, developmental problems, suppressed appetite leading to low birth weights etc. I know it’s wrong, I know they’re cancerous, I know I should quit for myself aswell as baby… but it’s a 15 year habit that’s proving SOOO hard to kick!

Needing some medicinal support, I went (head hung in shame) to the NHS Stop Smoking stall in the Broad Street Mall outside TK Maxx and plead my case to the advisor. I was somewhat optimistically hoping that overnight a new miraculous alliance between science and faith had occurred, and that the NHS now recognised hypnotism as a tried, proven and humane way of curing the afflicted. But of course they would ever make it that easy. I was offered gum, an inhaler, lozenges, even nasal sprays… surely one of these solutions would work for me! But no. When I mentioned my pregnancy, this huge choice of nicotine replacement therapies was diminished to just one. The dreaded PATCHES. How could these flimsy plasters possibly reduce my craving? Just how does said nicotine hit enter my bloodstream and replace my beloved physical cigarette? And (if I’m truthful) how can it possibly be this easy to quit?! If the answer has really been staring me in the face since the naughty’s (remember those adverts with impossibly attractive female jogger karate-kicking human sized cigarettes out of her way) - then how have I wasted thousands of £’s on Mayfair Superking’s ALL these years????! BUT acknowledging this is for the health of my unborn, I pessimistically collected my little prescription headed to Superdrug.

Well… It turns out these patches are genius. I can now stand next to smoker’s in a pub without wanting to rip their cigarette’s out of their hands. I can now make it through the day on 2 cigarette’s (I’ve promised to do away with these remaining little crutches in one week’s time). I can now wake up and not search frantically for a lighter down the back of the sofa. These tiny patches are AMAZING. Their effectiveness isn’t my gripe. What irritates me is the following: They AREN’T truly translucent, and they AREN’T even remotely waterproof as promised. If you were to lift up my sleeve during the day you’ll find a frayed and yellow patch barely clinging to my skin. From afar you’d be forgiven for thinking I have a patch of leprosy.

CAN’T drink!

This is considerably easier for me than not being able to smoke. I’m not as big a drinker as I was before I came home from London and Craig and I only usually drink at the weekends. But when you tell someone you can’t do something, you want it all the more. I’m actually beginning to resent Guinness and Carling for putting on television ads during the Rugby World Cup schedule. Nevermind the fact that I can’t actually stand Guinness. Just stop with the adverts!

And the dreaded weekend… this being my first full weekend knowing I am pregnant. I am literally so jealous of Craig! I know he’s not deliberately drinking in front of me and he has every right to enjoy his weekend after working so hard to provide for us during the week - but I want a beer too! Drinking your body weight in Diet Coke watching the football at the pub, just simply isn’t the same. And Craig is simply rubbish as pretending to be sympathetic and sober. I know every single nuance of his personality; If he’s tipsy, I know it. I’d actually rather he came home stumbling through the door so I could laugh at him and pat myself on the back for being infinitely better off.

I guess I need to get used to this as I’m reluctant to drink around baby after he or she arrives anyway. I hate seeing new mums in pubs downing wine with their child in their arms - it makes me so angry.

CAN’T dye my hair!

At first I thought this was a mistake. When I picked up my bottle of ‘Nice and Easy’ by Clairol yesterday morning, I couldn’t believe they were advising pregnant women against using it! Why? So confused was I, I Googled it. This made my heart sink:

… One study suggested that it could cause babies to develop the cancer neuroblastoma. This is a rare childhood cancer that affects the nervous system and other tissues… It’s possible that a few of the chemical compounds in hair dyes could cause birth defects…

http://www.babycentre.co.uk/pregnancy

Apparently the above risks decrease as you enter the second trimester. This is because during the first 12 weeks the developing brain generates between 50 and 100 thousand new cells per second. The hair dye could, in theory, enter the bloodstream through my scalp, and travel to baby!

WHAT????????! Come on now. Really????? I have dark hair - greys show and I’m about to start a new job. I find this whole rule pretty incredible and there’s conflicting advice everywhere you look. I’ll admit to ignoring this one. Sorry baby but I just don’t believe it.

CAN’T feed my cat!

So my GP advised me against feeding the cat or emptying his litter tray; chores that his mum has performed for all of his life. Again, I couldn’t understand this so turned to Google:

Toxoplasmosis caught during pregnancy can cause an infection in your unborn baby resulting in eye problems and brain abnormalities. Toxoplasmosis is usually caught through eating raw, undercooked or cured meat but it can also be caught through contact with cat faeces and, in rare cases, cat saliva

http://www.babycentre.co.uk/pregnancy

Okay, so there does seem to be considerable medical research supporting this one. In fairness, I’m happy to go along with it too. The smell of Billy’s food makes me feel ill and I wasn’t looking forward to the re-introduction of a litter tray in the new flat. The problem is that I can’t tell Billy about the change in routine; he’s learnt many things in his short life, but the ability to speak English isn’t one of them. So he literally whines, paces and chases my feet ALL day whilst Craig is at work. He’s turned into a lunatic. As if to fully articulate his frustration, he’s become fussy about his food too. No longer is Purina or Iams enough for Billy. Now he likes a variety of wet and dry food and it’s a guessing game as to which he wants on a given day. One day, he wants a Whiskas tin, the next he fancies Felix’s offering. This is literally doing my head in.

Billy

His Royal Highness (as taken by Craig)

Sep 23 2011

Sharing the news with your brand new family

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Yesterday evening was a very exciting time for mummy and daddy as we told daddy’s family about you! Usually mummys and daddys wait a little while to share the news that a baby is coming - but we were soooo excited, we wanted all your new family to know as soon as possible. Mummy told grandad Dean and nanny Diane, uncle Dan and nana Jayne a few days ago. Daddy waited a few days longer to tell his side of the family as he wanted to see the doctor first. A few close friends also know as mummy and daddy might need to talk to them as you grow. Here is an introduction to those special people who know you exist:

Grandad Dean and Nanny Diane - this is mummy’s daddy and his wife. They met around three years ago and got married a year ago. They live in Southampton which is by the sea! Mummy and her daddy are very close and I know he’s going to be an amazing grandad for you. Grandad is very good at business and finance so if you ever need any advice, he’s a very wise person to ask. He has silver hair and an ever decreasing waistline as Di has been whipping him into shape. Di is very glamorous and pretty. She has a funny accent though (Scottish) so you’ll need to get used to that - luckily your daddy does a very good impression of Billy Connolly so he can help you with this :-) .

Mummy tells her daddy most things so he was very aware that your daddy and I were trying to make you. Grandad has always wanted the best for mummy and for her to be happy and successful. He’s very pleased that mummy waited to make you until she was old enough and sensible enough to provide a loving home for you. As your mummy has lived in lots of different places, worked and studied very hard, and has found the perfect daddy for you - grandad is thrilled. Mummy very much hopes to instil the same values in you so you get the best out of your own life.

Grandad Dean and Nanny Diane

Grandad Dean and Nanny Di on their wedding day

Nana Jayne - mummy’s mummy! Mummy’s mummy lives very close by so you’ll see lots of her. She’s not very good at keeping secrets and is so happy about you, she’s told some of her friends already (but mummy doesn’t mind). Nana Jayne is obsessed with make-up, jewellery, clothes and shopping - something tells me you’ll be very spoilt! She was very poorly ten years ago as her heart beat a bit too quick for her body. Sadly nana Jayne went from a person with two working arms, and two working legs, to a person with only one of each. This makes her very unsteady as she can only feel the ground with one foot. Because of this nana Jayne needs a scooter to get around and needs lots of help to do things like cooking and cleaning. When mummy was growing up, your nana was so funny and beautiful, I like to think her heart was so full, it burst - now she needs other people to give her lots of love to keep her with us.

Uncle Dan - mummy’s brother. Your uncle is a few years older than mummy and lives in a town a couple of miles away. He works in insurance which is very boring. You’ll love your uncle though as he’s a big kid himself; he still watches children’s telly and loves superhero films. He’s also very good with animals, is very funny (without realising it) and has been a very good brother to mummy. He also wears glasses so you can fiddle with his face and make him look silly!

Uncle Dan (right)

Uncle Dan (right)

Mummy’s mate Paul - Mummy and Paul went to big school together.We didn’t know each other very well then but we are very good friends now and he knows all about you; from how upset mummy got when she saw negative home pregnancy tests, to which moses basket she’s earmarked for your first sleep, to the names she’s considering calling you. I’m sure Paul will be able to tell you many embarrassing stories about mummy when you’re older as we’ve done some very silly things together. Like daddy, he’s done lots of research on what mummy can expect as she carries you in her tummy - you and I are very lucky to have so many people making sure we’re both safe and well! Paul sells watches for a jewellers in town so he’ll be a very handy person to know when you are rich and famous and want to buy your first Rolex (after you’ve bought mummy and daddy one of course!). He’s also a genius at pub quiz machines, has a semi-photographic memory, and knows EVERYTHING about sport - even more than daddy… (athough I strongly suspect daddy will disagree with this!).

Now to daddy’s family!

The first people we told about you were Nanny Lynne and Grandad Terry. Again, they live very close to us so we’ll see them all the time. You will be their fifth grandchild as daddy is the last of their children to have a baby. They’ve been married for forty-three years so are very inspirational to mummy and daddy as we want to be as strong as them. They’re very spiritual people and believe you should always be good and fair to everyone. This makes you very lucky as they will protect you from bad things and teach you how to be a nice and caring person.

Grandad Terry looks a little like Philip Schofield who is a presenter on morning television. He has lots of female fans and gets the giggles when presenting serious news items (Philip, not grandad). Nanny Lynne doesn’t particularly look like anyone famous but she’s very sweet and kind and is great at taking photographs and videos. Nanny Lynne will therefore be invaluable to mummy as mummy plans on keeping a record of your progress throughout the years.

Aunty Louise and Uncle Ben - Aunty Louise actually went to big school with mummy. We were in the same year and have many of the same friends. Aunty Louise and uncle Ben are getting married in one week’s time so now is a very exciting time for everyone. They have been together for years and years and around eighteen months ago your little cousin Lenny was born! I suspect you’ll spend lots of time with Lenny and maybe even go to the same schools as you grow up. This would be pretty cool as you would have a big cousin to help you out if you ever got into trouble. Remember though that uncle Ben and cousin Lenny are Chelsea fans - daddy would be devastated if you decided to become one too. Best to stick to United as they win everything anyway :-) - I won’t write much too much more about aunty Louise now as there’ll be lots of pictures and stories from the wedding in a few week’s time. All I will say is that aunty Louise already guessed mummy was pregnant before we called her. This is because mummy told her friends on Facebook that she kept being sick and was very tired (which are common signs that a mummy is expecting a baby). Facebook is a website that allows friends to share pictures and news with one another - I suspect it’ll still be around when you are grown up. Daddy and mummy like Facebook as this was how we stayed in touch when mummy lived far away.

Aunty Louise and your big cousin Lenny

Aunty Louise and your big cousin Lenny (wearing a Chelsea shirt ahem *cough*)

Aunty Sam and Uncle Carl - Mummy hasn’t met aunty Sam yet as she has been very busy giving birth to your tiny cousin Bella. We did call aunty Sam though and let her know the news. Mummy will tell you much more about aunty Sam and your cousin’s Sky and Bella when she meets them all later.

Uncle Tony - Your uncle Tony is your oldest uncle (even older than daddy, and daddy is ancient!). Daddy lives with uncle Tony at the moment, but mummy and daddy are moving to our flat in just over a week’s time. This will be our first home together and maybe even your first home when you’re born! I’ll do a video tour when we get the keys so you can see what it looked like before mummy and daddy made a mess of it!

Uncle Tony works as a scaffolder. This means he’s not scared of heights which is good as he lives very high up in a block of flats. Uncle Tony loves films, just like your daddy, and is always joking and smiling. His daughter Antonia is your only grown up cousin! She found out this morning :-)

So that’s your brand new family! Everyone is so excited to meet you and they will all add things to your life in lots of different ways. You’ll have five grandparents, two aunties, two uncles, and four cousins when you are born - a lovely big family to teach you things and make you laugh. Add to this two loving parents who will always put you before themselves and go to the ends of the earth to keep to you safe, warm, happy and healthy, and you’re the luckiest baby in the world xx

Love Mummy xx

Sep 22 2011

Hi baby - welcome to my tummy

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So you’re in my tummy! Mummy and daddy made you
about two weeks ago and now mummy is stumbling around on wordpress
trying to make a diary about your journey into the world. This first
post is about your mum and dad and how excited we are to have you
join our family.

Your Mummy and Daddy

Right now you’re less than a millimetre big
(that’s soooo tiny you’d need a magnifying glass to see you).
Amazingly however, your hair colour and eye colour are already
decided. I’m hoping you get mummy’s blue eyes and daddy’s height
(mummy is on the short side). We don’t know whether you’re a boy or a
girl yet - we won’t find out for a few months yet. Daddy doesn’t want
to know until we meet you so it’s a surprise, mummy wants to know
beforehand so she can paint your room and buy you the right colour
clothes. Being a funny guy, daddy reckons you won’t care what you’re
wearing, or what the décor is like in your bedroom - but mummy
thinks you will.

Your daddy is 40 years old (he’ll be 41 when
you’re born) and works as a courier. This means he delivers letters
and packages to people in his car. Mummy is a little bit younger (28)
and about to start a new job as a recruitment consultant. This is a
posh term for someone who helps people find jobs. We met ten years
ago as we used to drink in the same place. Daddy really fancied mummy
and asked her out several times, but mummy was doing her A-levels
(these don’t exist any more but they are certificates to measure how
clever you are) and thought daddy was too old. Turns out mummy was
really quite good at studying and clever enough to go to university.
So she went far away and learnt lots of things about films and
books as these were the things mummy found interesting. She didn’t
come back to Reading (the town you were made in) for ten years
whereupon she met your dad again. We’ve been together ever since! We
love each other very much and spend all our time together - so we
decided to make you so you could join in the fun and live with us.

Daddy is very funny and will make you laugh every
day. He likes cooking, football and watching films. When he knows
what you like to eat, he’ll make it for you; when you’re old enough
to watch the telly, he’ll watch your favourite programmes with you -
he’ll also take you to the cinema to watch longer programmes on a
HUGE screen. You’ll be able to make your own decisions about almost
all these things! ALMOST. Unfortunately you’ll be a Manchester United
fan as daddy is less flexible about this.

Mummy isn’t as funny as daddy. She can’t cook
and hates football. This makes her sound really boring but she’s not!
Mummy will help with your homework and teach you all about the world.
She’ll read you stories, play games with you and make sure you look
cool in photographs. She’ll encourage you to work hard and get the
best out of life. Whether you want to be a doctor, a lawyer, a
swimmer, a chef…. mummy will make sure you are successful.

That’s enough about us! You’ll learn more and more
as you grow inside mummy’s tummy and enter our world in 8 months (and
a bit) time. Love you more than anything and promise to carry you
safely until you feel ready to make your grand entrance. Sleep tight
and grow, grow, grow!