Visiting a friend (and first-time mummy) a few weeks ago I was shocked to find her in tears. She’d been really struggling with breastfeeding and worried that her baby appeared to be losing weight. Although she followed up with her midwife and was reassured that baby was fine, she clearly wasn’t. She was exhausted. When I delicately broached the subject of combination feeding or perhaps expressing so her partner could assist her, she got even more distressed. Like most new mums who are feeding on-demand, expressing was really difficult and not yielding enough. Her partner was also very insistent that she carry on with breastfeeding.

When I left her house that day I couldn’t stop mulling over her dilemma. She was clearly crying out for help but running into a brick wall. She didn’t have any options. Very emotional and tired she wasn’t able to make the decision to discontinue breastfeeding on her own, and wasn’t receiving the support she needed to do so from her partner. I didn’t want to advise her against something that her partner seemed so passionate about as this would be tantamount to meddling in her relationship. Although it seems so strange to me that her other half would be so obstinate, it’s not really his fault. When I began to think about my own experience of breastfeeding with Dexter, I can absolutely see where his anxiety stems from - their midwife.

Craig came to most of my ante-natal appointments when I was pregnant with Dexter. As he is self-employed, this often meant he lost money but it was important to him to learn as much as he could before D Day. The obligatory breastfeeding class was one exception. He was swamped with work and it didn’t seem relevant to him. It turns out I was the only woman who attended alone - the room was full of couples.

For me, the class was pretty pointless. We covered the benefits of breastfeeding (which were all helpfully contained within leaflets we were sent home with anyway) and were assured our midwives would be there to help and support us. I learnt nothing that I couldn’t have read for myself and was fed up that I’d travelled on three buses to get to the class when I was heavily pregnant.

It’s not that I don’t think breastfeeding is important. We all know the health advantages for baby, the financial advantages, the bonding opportunity… the fact it could help you shift that pesky baby weight… I will definitely try again with this new baby. I was however a little surprised that the breastfeeding expert leading the class didn’t even mention bottle feeding. At the very least I think she should have touched upon the fact that it is perfectly acceptable and there are some instances where it is the only option (for mothers with premature babies etc).

I remember getting home and telling Craig the bare bones, thrusting the leaflet in his hands whilst he was engrossed Manchester Utd on the telly, and casually mentioning that I wanted to give it a try. Although he’s the most attentive father in the entire world, I very much doubt he was bothered what I was blathering on about that day. As long as Dexter was born healthy, and I was safely through the birth and coping in my new role as mummy, Craig wasn’t particularly bothered how he was fed. He just wanted Dexter and I to be safe and well.

Dexter was born via emergency c-section at 38 weeks. He was by no means premature, but it did come as a huge shock to us both. I was just one day into my maternity leave when my placenta abrupted and I bled out. It was around midnight and when the ambulance arrived both of us were fearing the worst. On reflection, we’d had a completely stress-free pregnancy up until that point and we needn’t have worried. We were at the hospital within 30 minutes of that bleed and in the best possible place to get baby out - I think we were just mentally unprepared to face that prospect at that moment.

When Dexter was in our arms we were overwhelmed - like any new parent would be. I was groggy from a c-section and both of us were exhausted. I honestly don’t remember anyone asking me whether we intended to breastfeed but it was pretty clear from the off that was what the midwives wanted. At every opportunity (whether Dexter was asleep or not) they would be plucking him out of his hospital bassinet and laying him on my chest. Despite the fact my milk hadn’t fully come through yet, Dexter was encouraged to find my breast and suck - and to my delight, he seemed happy to latch on. Within just a few hours however, we were having issues. Although Dexter was suckling and engaged, he wasn’t receiving any milk.

I sought a midwife and asked to be bought some formula. I might aswell have spat on her and threatened to stab her - her face was positively thunderous.

Instead she grabbed my breasts and pummelled them. She insisted that massage would bring my milk through and I shouldn’t give up so easily. Thrusting a pipette in Craig’s hands, she told him to catch any dribbles and demonstrated how he should be massaging my breasts. She then flounced off and said she’d be back in an hour. An hour later Craig and I hadn’t managed a single drop, I was sore from all the squeezing and Dexter was pretty distressed. Once again, I insisted on formula.

Finally she relented and agreed to go to the storeroom for us (I think it was due to the fact that Dexter was disturbing the entire ward) but even this was met with some serious attitude. She asked me which brand I wanted and (naturally) Craig and I didn’t quite know what to say. Our response was something along the lines of “What would you suggest?” and we were quickly enlightened that she was unable to suggest a recommend a brand for legal purposes. I completely understand that a midwife can’t be seen to endorse a specific product but she wouldn’t even tell us the brands they stocked. I can honestly say I was royally pissed off that we had to google “UK Baby Milk” and pick the first one that came up before our son could be placated.

A few hours later I asked to be discharged from hospital. I understand this is pretty atypical for a woman who has had a caesarean but I was practically climbing the wall at this point. I have a fear of hospitals and was pretty fed up. The same bolshy midwife came over and informed me that she wouldn’t sign off the discharge papers until she had witnessed two successful latches from Dexter. If I could get him to feed, I was to press my buzzer and send for her. For some strange reason we agreed and followed her instructions to the letter - we were home just a few hours later.

When I look back on it - I’m absolutely FURIOUS. I was a 30-year-old woman with a 40-year-old partner - I didn’t expect to be bribed or belittled. I asked to be sent home, I was medically fine to be sent home, I should have told her to go to hell. Despite playing her game, we still stopped at a 24-hour Tescos on the way home to buy formula. The most important thing to us was that Dex was fed. Of course I was going to put every effort into breastfeeding, but not at the expense of my child’s health. If he needed milk, he’d get it - from me or from a carton.

Turns out it wasn’t needed. Much to the midwife’s surprise, we stuck with it and Dex was exclusively breastfeed for the few 5 weeks. The process was only halted by Dex’s hospitalisation with Strep B. I was unable to express a sufficient amount so Dex had to switch to the bottle. There was not one moment’s deliberation; I wasn’t disappointed at all.

Dexter on the bottle

Bottle feeding certainly had its advantages. For one, both mum and dad can feed baby and share responsibility for the nightfeeds. There was also no anxiety over Dex was eating enough - we followed the instructions and knew he was getting the feeds he needed. Do I feel guilty, upset or sad? Not in the slightest.

With this new baby, I hope to breastfeed longer. Why? Not because of the health benefits to baby I can assure you! I know my baby will be as happy on formula as he is my breast and I won’t be swayed by the dozens of utterly ridiculous studies that exist out there. I don’t for one second believe my baby will be more intelligent, more handsome, more happy as result of receiving my breast milk. I just want to do it for me.

And will Craig support my decision? Yes.

And would he feel differently had he been to that breastfeeding class with me? Who knows

I seriously doubt it. Craig has quite a rational brain and if he saw that I was emotionally and physically struggling with breastfeeding, he would have immediately thought of me first. Having said that, if Craig wasn’t the man he is, then the insistence of the midwife combined with that completely singually focused class, then I can understand why some men can be inflexible.

My response?

I have my own theory on why the NHS are pushing breastfeeding so fervently. I suspect the midwives are set targets by the government or hospital trusts to send as many new mums home as breastfeeders as possible. I have absolutely no proof of this but can say that every single feed Dexter took from my breast in those first few hours were religiously documented by the midwife.

I think this is utterly ridiculous. We’re not ‘targets to be met’ - I’m a responsible adult who wants the best for my child and I won’t be dictated to by a midwife ever again. I completely agree that as many people as possible should be encouraged to breastfeed, BUT believe this should be done with sensitivity. It is simply not at all fair to put a first-time mum under such pressure. It would be far better for the midwife to properly outline a mother’s options and give her the choice. If we specifically state that we want to breastfeed then please help us and encourage us not to give up, but DON’T bully us into it. If our next midwife does this to us, she will be reported.

This isn’t the first time I’ve had a whinge about breastfeeding - you can reading more here