I don’t pretend to know everything about relationships, but Craig and I are pretty tight as a couple. The secret to our relationship is trial and error - as in all those years pre “us” were spent trialling and erroring (dating, making mistakes and testing the boundaries), and now we both know what we can (and can’t) expect of one another. Things aren’t always perfect - we disagree on politics, he snores, and I’m a utter bitch after a few glasses of white wine - but we never go to bed on an argument, and he’s still my favourite person on the planet.
It’s true that relationships require constant work. That doesn’t mean you have to be consistently hyper-aware though, it just means that prolonged periods of complacency will wind up in you reactivating your Tinder account. Although none of us know what is around the corner, it definitely pays to follow a few guiding principles for a sustainable relationship:
Learn to listen to each other
Sounds so simple, but this is where I’ve gone wrong so many times in the past. I’m a pretty strong character, and impatient to a fault. Although I’m often two steps ahead in a conversation, and three in a row, I have learned to shut my gob and listen to Craig. I’m glad I have, as simply talking through our finances or any personal challenges we might be experiencing does seem to make them better. Some of the best ideas we’ve ever had have come about through talking endlessly and mulling things over, together.
Respect one another
Respecting the opinion of your other half even when you don’t agree with it can be tougher than you think. If we take the upcoming general election as an example, Craig and I both have some pretty strong ideas that are at definite odds with one another. He’ll be voting for Mrs Mayhem this year whereas I’m, albeit reluctantly, voting for Corbyn. Even if I can’t get onboard with his thinking, I’ll always respect his opinion. That, or else I’ll push it way out of my mind and hope everyone else has better sense than him on Thursday! All joking aside, I just tell myself that there is nothing too big to overcome - no matter how huge the disagreement, there will be another one in a few days and this one will simply pale into insignificance. I’d be dead bored if we agreed on everything.
Surprise each other
Even those celebrating golden anniversaries are bound to have been frustrated with each other at some point. Although it’s a pretty extreme way of looking at life, I try to remind myself that familiarity breeds contempt. I apply to this to most aspects of my life to ensure I live life to the fullest. Tokens don’t have to be huge, a quickly scrawled post-it note left on his dashboard, or a clandestine weekend away every 6 months tends to keep things ticking over.
Craig is pretty good at this too. If I’ve texted him at work to tell him that the kids are at each other’s throats and I’m seconds away from dialling the children’s home, he’ll turn up after work with a bottle of something and take over parenting duties for a few hours. Even if you have to deal with an emotionally unavailable girl like me, there are ways to force a reaction. I can always rely on the restorative power of gin to make a bad day better.
Trust your partner
I always cringe when I see couples force each other to take lie detectors on Jeremy Kyle. Some of those stories are incredulous - with men smelling their girlfriends underwear, and women honey-trapping their own husbands. Although the average paranoid couple won’t be so tv-worthy, distrust in all its various guises is a relationship-killer. This means that you shouldn’t surreptitiously check your partner’s phone, or consider a password reset as a major red flag. If you, or he, wanted to cheat, you’d find a way to do so - and it most probably wouldn’t involve Snapchat.
Dating and…er… couple-time
When you have kids it can be hard to find the time to enjoy each other on your own. Just remember that a date night doesn’t always have to involve a table-for-two. When you’re in a long-term relationship, even a quick trip to B&Q to buy white emulsion whilst the kids are at their nan’s is time spent together. Make these moments count by not sweating the small stuff. I make it my mission to flirt with Craig, every day, at every possible opportunity - even if I’m in one of his old work shirts wielding a paint brush.
Life is just too short to spend a second of it in an unhappy relationship. If you’re over-anxious or resentful about your partner, create a plan yet be prepared to leave should it fail. Relationships should be fulfilling and well, for want of a better word, easy. If any of the above doesn’t come naturally to either of you, then don’t be afraid to ask the world for more.
