#OpBabyWeight: Exante Diet review: Not for me

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I was kindly sent a huge envelope stuffed full of Exante samples way back in late August, and it’s taken me this long to wade through them. I feel slightly apprehensive about this one because I’ve actually dipped in and out of it and haven’t stuck to the plan at all.

But then I asked myself why? Why did I find it so hard to stick to?

I think in order for a ‘paid-for’ diet plan to be successful, they have to make their food, drinks, hell… even their entire brand messaging compelling. Too many brands fixate on before and after pics, cheesy ‘we’re all in it together’ advertising or scientific jargon. All a busy woman (or man for that matter) really wants is something easy to prepare and delicious. That’s what we pay for, or we’d all simply buy a recipe book and make it ourselves. We want to forget we’re dieting.

On the face it, Exante Diet offered some of this. Take 1 sachet 3 times a day. How simple and uncomplicated is that?!

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But therein lies the problem. Every time we reach for a sachet and whisk its contents into something to stop our stomachs cramping from hunger, we’re very consciously dieting. For the first few days it’s novel, even satisfying, but then you quickly tire of having to wash up your whisk or blender in preparation for your next one. You start to crave something solid. Your child’s Heinz Biscotti starts to literally call to you from the kitchen cupboard.

Its website doesn’t help. Sure, there’s no bright and cheerful tat on the homepage, but it’s gone too far the other way; It’s positively boring. And then there’s the jargon. Before selecting a diet plan we’re asked to calculate our BMI (cue scales, a tape measure and asking the bloke how tall he thinks you are) then we select one of these hugely appealing options:

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It gets no better when you click on your chosen plan:

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You visit the shop and still there are no sexy food pics to tempt you. Instead you’re bombarded with more choices; 4 week bumper packs, boxes of 50, stater packs… Boxes of what??? I want to know what this diet entails. When you eventually do get to the food pictures they’re too little and the descriptions are dour and unappetizing (take this example from a Box-of-50 selection):

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I should point out that I wasn’t sent the above product. I was sent sachets of shakes, maple syrup pancakes, tomato and basil soup, pasta carbonara, chicken curry and various other meals. This wasn’t the fault of the PR company I received them through - she was lovely and professional from start to finish. But it’s pretty hard to sex up what is essentially an indefinite stint of powder. In fact I didn’t even look at the website (entirely deliberately) beforehand so this was my first experience of the brand.

Now to taste. I can’t fault the shakes. They were thick, delicious and filling. There are tons of flavours too: Banana, Chocolate, Strawberry, Vanilla, Chocolate Mint, Toffee Caramel, Hazelnut, White Chocolate & Raspberry, Cherries & Berries, Lemon & Raspberry, Christmas Pudding… they really have this sewn up. Handily they don’t require milk either, just cool water and a whisk. For convenience I noticed they also have Shake and Go options. If I’d received 3 weeks worth of these, I might have stood a chance of lasting a week.

But I didn’t.

The soups were hit and miss. I quite liked the tomato and herb flavours but the mushroom flavour (usually a favourite of mine) was inedible. There was a thick taste of chalk and this was despite vigorous whisking. As you’re only instructed to use 200/250mls of water there’s no diluting it further either.

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There’s no dressing this one up: The offending Mushroom Soup

Dinner-wise I only tried a handful of them as these were all I was provided with. They taste heavily salted and look pretty unappetising. But then what do you expect of powder stirred then blitzed with a microwave. It’s pretty hard to be enthusistic.

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The best I could do photography-wise: The Pasta Carbonara

Now to price, there’s no denying this is one of the most affordable diet options out there. But even this is hard to decipher. A 4 week box of pre-selected shakes, bars, soups and hot meals from the across the range is listed at £150 RRP but there’s currently an offer for 27% discount (random number) which takes it to £109.99. THEN there’s a mystery discount code to apply at the checkout. Having tried this I received a further £33 off the total bringing it to £76.99. Whether this “mystery discount” is unique to me or pot luck I have no idea.

My point? It’s confusing. I don’t want to be seen to be whinging about mega savings, but at the end of that lot you have no idea whether you’re getting a steal or not.

Compared to a few other diet plans:

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I know I’ve been a little unfair comparing Exante to pre-prepared meals (fresh; Balance Box and My Food; or otherwise Diet Chef) delivered to your door, but I wanted to highlight its only selling point; I’m aware that this is one of the only truly affordable diet plans on the market for the cash-strapped.

In summary, I couldn’t stick to this diet psychologically or physically. I have no doubt whatsoever this diet will work if stuck to, and I think if I’d have been truly motivated I might have lost a little more than 5lbs in the one week I ‘stuck’ to it. But my sanity is worth far more than dropping a dress size.


A poorly baby & ovaries that have seen better days…

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It’s been a difficult week here at Chez Mills.

I’ve long since suspected that Dexter was suffering with an ear infection. He was clutching at his ears last week and cocking his head unusually to one side. Google helpfully told us to look out for fever, discharge, and changes in mood - but despite hovering over him with the Veratemp, they never came.

In fact, what actually did emerge from my cherubic child was far more traumatic.

On Tuesday night I went out and Craig put little man to bed. When I finally stumbled through the door at midnight (I maintain someone slipped vodka in my J20) I was surprised to discover Dexter was still awake in his cot whimpering. His nose and eyes were streaming and he had a pesky little cough. I stood on Kleenex sentry all night and his room smelt like a football changing room in the morning; an eyewatering concoction of sweat, eucalyptus, and stale alcohol. His little pillow was soaking wet with tears and other less attractive fluids.

Yesterday was spent continually pinning him down and attempting to suck the snot from his nose (with the scariest contraption known to man). The screams were unbearable and I waited nervously for social services to turn up and inform me that the entire street had reported me. Kleenex failed us and had the effect of smearing the snot across his cheeks. I bathed him 3 times in the hope the steam would help clear out his sinuses and wash off the layers of caked phlegm.

This is only Dexter’s second cold and there’s no doubt we’re still prone to the odd over-reaction; yesterday Craig got minute by minute updates on Dex’s condition via text, and in the evening we exchanged worried looks and jumped on Google to look for advice. Needless to say Dexter found it quite amusing and clapped in delight that he was never more than 2ft away from his mummy or daddy. We might aswell have fed him grapes and fanned him like an egyptian prince!

Did I mention I have a snot phobia? No? Well I do. The whole saga has been truly painful.

Despite the fact that Craig and I seem to have evaded this cold thus far, we’ve had our own troubles this week too. On Monday I had an ultrasound to check for PCOS and was told my ovaries resembled a map of the underground; puckered with scars and cysts. As Dexter came to the appointment with us, Craig was left holding the baby in the waiting room. This meant I heard the news alone. On relaying the grisly verdict to Craig he asked a thousand questions I couldn’t answer so we sat in the car in the hospital car park battering our iPhone’s trying to find an explanation that didn’t require a medical degree.

The long and short of it seems to be that despite my haggard ovaries, I don’t have any other symptoms. I still ovulate (in fact I’ve been pregnant this year already), I don’t have a beard or gorilla arms, and I’ve probably had 5 spots in my life. Okay, although excessive hair growth and acne are only indicators of an underlying problem, it has helped cushion the blow somewhat.

The next step is a blood test to test my levels of testosterone and LH. I’ve submitted to so many blood tests this year already that I’m surprised that the lab at the Royal Berkshire Hospital hasn’t opened a new wing in my honour. I’d be very surprised if there’s anything untoward in my blood. I suspect I’ve already had this very test ten times already in 2013 and I never had serious phone call from my doctor that begins with “You might want to sit down Ms Chamberlain”.

Still - given we’ve been consumed by trying for another baby this year - it’s not great news. Craig’s little soldiers are going to have to mount a Lord of the Rings style attack in order to reach the Holy Grail. I’m considering slipping him zinc tablets in his morning orange juice and hiding the coffee. If you think this is harsh, that’s nothing compared to what I’m going to have to give up.

Quitting smoking is now a must (I’m actually attending a clinic this evening), there’ll be no more dirty J20s, and I’m going to have to lose some weight. The exercise bike will be dragged out of our shed, spiders evacuated, and I’ll be forced to get on the bloody thing and hump it into submission. Knowing me, I’ll probably go too far and end up looking like Jodie Marsh. Not only that, but given my mild OCD, I’ll be bankrupting us with homeopathic remedies, trawling Pinterest for low GI recipes, and distracting Craig from the task at hand with my incessant woe-is-me pillow talk.

Well there go - it’s definitely a week I’m excited to see the back of.

 

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