Apr 7 2014

39 Weeks: The Secret Fourth Trimester

Posted on April 7, 2014 by admin

I made a promise to myself last night that I’d keep this post as light-hearted as possible. I suspect anyone reading this will have started wanting to throttle me a few months ago. That, or you’ve stopped believing I’m even pregnant! It feels like (and reads like) I’ve been pregnant for a year now and I’m constantly having to contain my jealousy when I see all my friends sharing ‘welcome to the world baby’ statuses on Facebook. I swear some of these people announced their pregnancies after me…

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve tweeted about my labour when in reality I don’t even know what I should be looking out for in the first place. At 39 weeks I can confirm I’m getting regular pressure on my bladder and my pelvic floor, and plenty of tightenings higher up in my abdomen - but are these really something to be getting excited about? I don’t know. I didn’t experience one contraction with Dexter so I have nothing to compare them against.

The general consensus seem to be that if you are unsure whether you are in labour, you probably aren’t. This is the rule of thumb filtered down to thousands of mums-to-be by midwives everywhere (and irritatingly validated by mums-in-the-know in the natural labour brigade). It sounds about right on the face of it, but it doesn’t stop me wanting to jab my own thumbs somewhere unpleasant in their smug faces. After-all, midwives are the gatekeepers of early labour… the ones who have access to the drugs that can induce us… the ones who no doubt have million tricks they could share that will guarantee our spot in the delivery room this evening, but won’t give them up.

Bed Rest 39 Weeks 39 Weeks: The Secret Fourth Trimester

The truth is, I’ve had a really shitty time of it these past few weeks. There was some confusion as to whether my waters had gone with two separate consultants proffering different opinions. Both times (once in week 37, and another in 38) I felt the equivalent of a champagne glass full of fluid leave my body involuntarily - there had been no pressure on bladder immediately before. This got my hopes up as I began to think they’d have to hurry-up the labour or intervene due to risk of infection… but nope.

The one thing both consultants agreed upon on was that Operation #GetBabyOut would have to stop immediately. I’d weakened my pelvic floor muscles by exercising too excessively (and aggressively) and they would need time to recover before D Day.

I’ve had mixed success with this challenge. Lazing around on bed rest just doesn’t seem to compute with me. Like most mums to be I have some serious nesting to be getting on with, and anything that brings me closer to that inevitable pop of my waters beats the hell out of laying in bed watching Tipping Point. As my consultants have made it crystal clear they won’t induce me due to the problems I had with Dexter’s birth, I often find myself staring at the clock ever-conscious that the longer this goes on, the more likely I am to meet my baby on an operating table.

It was during this time that @MamaBabyBliss sent me an article that sums up perfectly how I’m feeling at the moment. It’s the musings of US midwife Jana Studelska about labour anxiety and the later stages of pregnancy. You can read the full article here but I’ve ~~nicked~~ quoted the best bits here if you’re simply not up to anymore pregnancy reading at the moment:

It’s time to hurry up and wait. Not a comfortable place to be, but wholly necessary…. I tell these beautiful, round, swollen, weepy women to go with it and be okay there. Feel it, think it, don’t push it away.

What we don’t have is reverence or relevance—or even a working understanding of the vulnerability and openness a woman experiences at this time. Our language and culture fails us. This surely explains why many women find this time so complicated and tricky. But whether we recognize it or not, these last days of pregnancy are a distinct biologic and psychological event, essential to the birth of a mother.

Okay it’s a bit Kumbaya for my usual self, but it seems to resonate with the pregnant me. These last few weeks, days, hours are the ultimate test for some pregnant women. It’s entirely possible to lose your mind to grief, frustration, fear and excitement. These emotional responses won’t let up, not even for a second, not even in your sleep. Not every woman will go to this place (I didn’t with Dexter) but I’ve been sat here for a few weeks now. It feels like purgatory. I will admit though that this article made me feel better. I was able to imagine this time as a sort of secret fourth trimester; a special club reserved for the true warriors of motherhood.

39 weeks 39 Weeks: The Secret Fourth Trimester

So I’ve decided not to blog anymore about this pregnancy now. Don’t worry, I haven’t gone all ‘inner peace’ or ‘tie-dye knickers’ on you all, I just have nothing left of any value to say about it. It sucks, I hate it, I don’t think I’ll ever put myself through this again. I’ll see you all on the other side - whether I find a footbridge, jump in a canoe, or take my chances swimming across - I’ll tell you how I did it when I get there and not as I’m doing it.

This one goes out to my fellow bump buddies - particularly those who find themselves rubbing their swollen tummies a little too forcibly as they’re watching One Born Every Minute, or adding little unnecessary bounces to their step as they walk up the stairs. I FEEL YOUR PAIN!

Nov 18 2013

19 Weeks Pregnant - Alistair McGowan breaks into our home, and I get ranty about my neighbour

Posted on November 18, 2013 by admin

I think it’s fair to say that pregnancy doesn’t agree with me. Every weekly update so far has been full of doom & gloom and this one will be no exception. So as I’m giving away a BabyWatch doppler on the blog at the moment, I sneakily asked for the entrants to leave me their number one pregnancy tip by way of a comment. The general consensus seems to be that I should rest as much as possible and try to enjoy it. Unfortunately I seem capable of neither.

The biggest problem this week has been sleeping. I’m not uncomfortable, I just struggle to relax and let my mind shut down. I’m only averaging 2-3 hours per night, and the little sleep I do manage is plagued by nightmares about people breaking into the house, Dexter being abducted, or Craig dying. These nightmares sometimes spill into the day resulting in mini day terrors. This means I can be sat on the bus and panicking that someone is wearing a IED, or something equally ridiculous. Clearly my inability to switch off is causing my mind to race. Couple this with my anxiety about completely mundane things and it seems all this is manifesting itself in my dreams - whether I’m awake or not.

Think I’m overreacting? Well if you weren’t before, you will do now.

On Saturday, Craig went to a 50th birthday party and I stayed home. At some ungodly hour in the morning, as I lay tossing and turning in bed in a state of exhaustion, Alistair McGowan entered my house. He crept up the stairs and I saw him plain-as-day stood on the top step decked in a white turtleneck. He didn’t do anything. He just stood there staring at me and Dexter before running back down the stairs, and out the front door. I was utterly terrified and had to call Craig and beg him to leave the party early. This is how ridiculous my life has become.

None of this is aided by my thankfully soon-to-be ex neighbour indulging in a bit of over-dramatics in the bedroom with her new boyfriend. I can’t work out if she’s blissfully ignorant that our terraced house means her bed is actually less than 3 foot away from ours, or she likes the thought of being heard. I’ve never met her other half but I already know so much about him thanks to their x-rated bedside ‘chats’. I’ve never been brave enough to mention this before but it seems insomnia breeds recklessness. I do hope by some freak coincidence she stumbles across this blog and saves me the embarrassment of having to confront her myself, if not for our sake, for the sake of whomever next moves in.

All of this has left me feeling decidedly flat (which is laughable really as you couldn’t get anymore convex than me right now). I barely have the energy to parent Dexter, and I’m very jittery. Tiredness sees me doing very strange things like crying when I have a cuddle with Dexter, or heading for my bed mid conversation with Craig. I actually burst into tears when watching Joey Essex on I’m a Celebrity last night as I felt sorry for his parents! Nothing I do seems to make any sense.

The only person who can give me the reassurance I need right now is my Craig, but for him it’s like living with someone who should be committed to an asylum. I’m not depressed as such, just constantly alternating between pawing over him, or throwing my toys out of the pram.

This pregnancy just doesn’t seem to have registered with him as much as the last one. I had to practically drag him into the bedroom to listen to the baby’s heartbeat on our new doppler, and we won’t spontaneously talk about him / her like we did when I was this far gone with Dexter. The only time he’ll ask me about the baby is when he catches sight of me grimacing when I sit up awkwardly and accidentally treat baby to an abdominal crunch.

It’s not his fault - I think I’m just feeling very guilty about this pregnancy and projecting this onto him. I feel like I’m just getting on with daily life and parenting Dexter rather than talking about / making plan for this baby. With Dexter, at 19 weeks pregnant, I had the nursery set-up and was simply waiting on the gender scan before adding all the finishing touches. With this pregnancy I’ve spent all day being sick, crying and having the occasional bout of IBS - it only serves to increase my anxiety that the gender won’t be the only thing I discover at next week’s anomaly scan.

So that’s it. I’m off to Google some relaxation tips. I clearly need to!

Jun 28 2013

My Bible: What to Expect When You’re Expecting by Heidi Murkoff

Posted on June 28, 2013 by admin

When I was pregnant with Dexter, I was glued to books like What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Every week I’d whip them out and follow the development of baby like a student cramming for a PHD in Obstetrics. I knew exactly when his fingernails finally formed, when his taste buds began to develop, and when he took on his daddy’s ears. I think a first pregnancy brings out the neurosis in women and every stray kick, twinge or burp sees you flying to the bookshelf for confirmation that baby hasn’t punched his way out of the amniotic sac in a bid for freedom.

0031 My Bible: What to Expect When Youre Expecting by Heidi Murkoff

As pregnancy is different for every woman, and every baby, it’s all too easy to get deflated when you’re still waiting for a kick at 16 weeks when your friend can feel her baby at 14. There’s also a battery of tests and scans that can heighten anxiety for expectant parents. It’s no wonder that pregnancy manuals are at the top of a pregnant woman’s wishlist as they really can help you keep a level-head when your emotions are all over the place.

Yep, there’s no denying that baby books are Big Business. I remember spending entire afternoons reading reviews on Amazon, and once famously spent 2 hours in Waterstones (during the Christmas shopping season no less!) selecting my pregnancy bible. It simply didn’t matter that I was signed up to countless websites and receiving daily email notifications, you can’t ever put a price on a good book when you’re curled up in bed (especially as that was where I spent the majority of my pregnancy!).

So what sets this book apart from all the others? It’s the sheer level of detail. There’s advice on preparing your body for conception, early pregnancy signs, and thorough sections dedicated to each month of your pregnancy. There’s also loads of postpartum advice and a very sympathetically written chapter on how to cope when things don’t go to plan. It’s funny (in places), informative and there’s not a hint of the patronising tone that so often accompanies books in this genre. It’s incredibly well organised and aims to pre-empt any question (no matter how minor or ridiculous) you might have about your pregnancy journey. With a superior index for quick referencing, it really deserves its accolade of being the world’s bestselling pregnancy manual, and hasn’t moved from my beside table for a whole year.

005 My Bible: What to Expect When Youre Expecting by Heidi Murkoff

If you’re planning / expecting your first child, I can’t recommend this book highly enough. You can get your copy from Amazon or check out the new website (click on the image below to be transported to all-things-baby!). WTE should also give out social media lessons as they’re incredibly supportive on Twitter too - don’t be afraid to pop over and say hello if you have any questions that just can’t wait!

Capture My Bible: What to Expect When Youre Expecting by Heidi Murkoff

DISCLAIMER: I was sent a signed copy of What To Expect When You’re Expecting, and 2 DVD’s. I previously owned a copy (albeit a little battered now!) which I was happy to replace with the new one! All thoughts and opinions are my own.