I’ve been a little quiet for the past month… no prizes for guessing why. I’ve built up month’s worth of pent up frustration and have soooo much to say about the longest pregnancy / labour in history, but I’ll save this for a less emotionally charged (and less tiring) day.
Right now, I’d like to introduce the new love of my life - Heidi (middle name to be decided) Mills.
Okay, I’m a little late. She came into the world via emergency c section on April 24th - nearly a whole week ago. The fact she came out of me with a little help from a spinal epidural and one seriously hot doctor doesn’t mean I didn’t experience labour. In fact, I laboured HARD; 14 hours in “established” labour stuck on all fours, screaming and swearing, and countless hours before that writhing around on my sofa. It’s been the hardest and most physically traumatic thing I’ve ever done.
Heidi is tiny. 6lb 9 at birth she has plenty of baggy skin around her legs and arms to grow into. She’s got her daddy’s long legs, but I can’t really see either of us in her facially yet. In truth, she doesn’t look much like a ‘Heidi’. She doesn’t have the Germanic look that Dexter did when he was a few days old; her hair is darker and her skin isn’t as milky. But this was the only name Craig and I were able to agree upon. I liked Maeve, Orla and Elsa, and Craig was keen on Beatrice, Harriet and Bethany.
Other than a minor case of Positional Talipes (her little feet are currently facing facing inwardly) which we’ve been referred to specialist for, she’s perfect. She was treated for Strep B at birth and cultures were grown using her blood that thankfully tested negative. She’s a sleepy little thing and is capable of 6 hour long stretches of sleep so has slotted into a routine of sorts already.
My milk still hasn’t fully come through yet so we’re currently on a mixed feeding schedule which involves as much skin to skin contact and ‘breast time’ as possible and 2-3 60ml formula feeds per day. It’s a demanding challenge to take on and Heidi can sit on me for hours at a time before unlatching herself. It’s been very difficult for Dexter as his mummy is having to give so much of her time over to his new baby sister.
Don’t get me wrong, Dexter is intrigued by Heidi and forever touching and kissing her, but he is resenting the time I’m rendered immobile. He calls for me constantly and his cries have taken on a heartbreaking quality that has had me in tears several times. I am so proud of him though - he’s very soft-handed with her and is helping with basic chores such as fetching nappies and blankets. I’m sure I’ll end up writing about this more extensively as I have a sinking feeling these tears might be more than a little nod to some impending baby blues.
Physically, I’m doing well. Sheer bloody mindedness saw me out of bed just 5 hours after surgery and walking around the hospital corridors. I was discharged as soon as Heidi was given the all-clear and my suture has now been removed. Although this is only my second c section, I like to think of myself as a bit of a pro now and have an upcoming post in mind on tips for post-surgery recovery.
So that’s it - normal service will resume asap and I’ll be working through some reviews of products I’ve found invaluable, and posts all about Dexter and Heidi as they forge a bond despite their hysterical mummy and shattered daddy (poor Craig had just half a day’s paternity leave). Right now, I’m off for a cold shower, little cry, then plenty of cuddles with both of my beautiful children.
… And I’ve had enough. In fact, I’m counting down the days until I can serve Mini Madam with an eviction notice without being seen to be willing on prematurity. The thought of another 9 weeks (2+ months!) of swollen hips, uncontrollable moodiness, and cries of “Ooompf” when I accidentally stomach crunch my little girl, seems like nothing short of punishment.
It’s taking sooo long, even Dexter needed reminding.
Now all my final appointments are booked, there’s nothing to do but wait. In a few short weeks, we’ll discover how this birth plan is going to play out and whether April will see #Labour tweets and unsightly pictures of me flailing around on a birthing ball from inside the Royal Berks Hospital.
My once pert little bump is now a sagging lump like an old sofa cushion riding low on my pelvis, and I’m now kicking myself that I didn’t undergo hypnotherapy to kick my cherry bakewell habit in the first trimester. This has bought on a relatively new phenomena for me - stretchmarks. In fact my belly now looks like the glaze on a loaf of tiger bread. No amount of smothering myself in Bio Oil seems to shift them and I’m slowly facing up to the fact that my bikini days are now definitely over.
SPD and sciatica continue to plague me at each at every waking moment. I’m getting by on around 4 hours sleep at night and as many naps as Dexter will allow. I’m definitely struggling to switch off as the pressure to get our 52 name shortlist down to 10 heats up. This insomnia is real problem and I’m positively hideous to be around. I’ve caught Craig camping out in the kitchen a few times and his eyes will widen in fear if I go within 3 metres of him.
When I’m not being as evil and cynical as Katie Hopkins, I’m usually crying at something ridiculous on the television. Coverage of the floods on the news, the sheer offensiveness of Mister Maker’s theme tune, or the GB curling team at the Sochi Winter Olympics… yes curling. What has my life come to?
Preparations for baby’s arrival are still woefully underfunded. With not one but two insurance claims put in this week (one a result of a nasty car accident) we’re berating ourselves for not having attacked the January sales with more ferocity. She now has a bath, and all the furniture she needs, and I’m delighted that she’ll be spending her first few month in an NCT bedside crib courtesy of Bednest, but she’s looking set to be a right exhibitionist as we haven’t bought her a single sleepsuit or babygrow. My breastfeeding ambitions better go to plan too as there are no bottles in the kitchen cupboard either > This is all a little woe-is-me isn’t it? We’re not as poor as I make out, but it certainly feels like it sometimes.
I was very close to reneging on the No Pink rule this week too. Having had my head turned by a seriously cute Laura Ashley print, I very nearly abandoned the grey and yellow nursery theme in favour of chintzy flowers. Thankfully Craig caught me just as the mouse cursor hovered over the checkout button and he gave me a stern talking to. I can now safely say I’m back on track and thinking rationally again.
So that’s it. This is the person I am at 31 weeks pregnant. Please tell me it gets quicker from here on in - Please, please, please.
You’d be hard pressed to find a better response to the Tory ‘smear campaign’ on UKIP than this one.
“If we return that favour and did exactly the same to the other parties I’m sure we’ll find more skeletons and more scandal but we wouldn’t do that because we are better than that. We are grown up and we want to fight this on principle and policy” Paul Nuttall
The statement was swift, effective and made the Tories look like desperate conspirators. Nuttall’s statement came quick on the heels of the news that a handful of UKIP candidates have links to groups such as the BNP and have allegedly made racist and homophobic comments to their handful of low-grade followers and friends on Twitter. This insidious rumour was no doubt started by the Tories.
Personally I feel the Conservatives have made a right meal out of this. The recent local elections showed a surge in UKIP votes, the Tories saw this coming, and attempted to cock block in the ugliest, and frankly most hypocritical way possible. Let’s face it, they are hardly immune to political scandal themselves! As a life-long Tory, it’s sad.
UKIP’s minor success at the recent elections is just that; minor. Although the papers have had an absolute field day with this story - harping on about how UKIP is gathering disaffected Tory votes, and ordinarily politically apathetic working class voters, but in reality, the local elections have little political merit.
I’d have rather seen a strong assertive response from the Tories. UKIP has done them an amazing favour. It’s effectively spelt out the issues that are considered the most pressing to the public namely:
A stronger, clearer, and more greater publicised stance on immigration
An immediate referendum on Europe (consistently promised, yet not delivered)
Take 4.5 million of low incomes out of tax altogether with a simple, flat rate income tax. With a threshold set at minimum wage.
Restrict free access to the NHS for non UK citizens, and ban access to the welfare system for those that have not been here for 5 years
Scrap all green taxes, wind turbine subsidies and adopt nuclear power to free us from dependence on fossil fuels and foreign oil and gas
Get Abu Qatada out of our country
Get rid of Quangos
Support Grammar schools and vocational education
Yet among these common sense policies are some utterly shocking ones that I’m surprised they would want to showcase on their website. Not only are they proposing to reintroduce smoking in pubs, are against gay marriage (note the proliferation of typos in this and sit back smugly), they also want to meddle with the NHS.
Why they haven’t learned from the early mistakes of the Tories is beyond me. They want to cobble together elected County Health Boards to allocate resources, set and monitor standards, and oversee education and training of staff. Who exactly would sit on these CHB’s? Well it’s not stated. It seems logical that the very same people who currently sit within the Department of Health (that UKIP plans to descale) would get the honours. What a faff…
Not only this - they propose to let businesses decide whether to offer maternity and paternity leave! Don’t worry though - it’s fine. An SME which refuses to offer parental leave will ‘either have to offer young women higher salaries than other businesses which offer a long leave period or simply have to recruit from a smaller pool of potential employees’ - what the actual f*%k?! Okay, I’ll have my babies, take a bit of time off with them, then re-enter the workplace and demand an extra 50% salary then? Yes please Nigel. As long as I fit all this in before I start to look withered and lose my child-bearing hips, I’m on to a winner here.
There’s simply no threat here. UKIP are simply riding the waves of public discontent and have money-no-object manifesto that appeals to the masses. They can’t afford to do all the things we all like, and we seriously don’t want to see them do the things we don’t. We were simply testing you Dave. We simply wanted to give the Tories a rude awakening and give them a hefty kick up the bum. This is the spirit in which the great UKIP surge should have been regarded.
The Tory response has been as disappointing as an episode of University Challenge hosted by Ben Shepherd; underwhelming. We want need them come out fighting with clear and new voter-friendly directives (here I refer to the great unwashed that graced the polls for the first time) that aren’t swathed in political rhetoric. I’m so fed up of watching politician’s evade a direct line of questioning - say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and ‘why’ and we’ll all respect you that little bit more.
Instead we were entreated to Theresa May’s dreary response whilst dressing for work the day after the elections. I can hardly think of someone less appetising to complement my orange juice. Educated by the state, she might have been regarded as a breath of ‘common air’ by her Etonian puppeteers, but she’s so utterly uncharismatic that I found myself yawning before I’d even got Dex out from his cot. So, what did the Tories propose to do about UKIP’s success at the booths…
“We’re conscious of the fact we need to work hard to get those votes back for the… erm… for the election. But what we need to do is show that we are working hard for hard-working people; for people who work hard and want to get on in life… that we’re dealing with the issues that want us to focus on… uh… that we’re dealing with the deficit, that we’re controlling welfare, that we’re controlling immigration. Now we have been doing these things, but we’ve always been straight with people about the size of the task we face given what we inherited from the last Labour Government… and eh so… we will carry on working hard to deal with those issues that hardworking people want us to focus on.” Theresa May
ERM… What?! What have you actually said there Theresa Bore? In-between all the umm’ing and err’ing you’ve once again whined about Labour, and once again reiterated the ‘hardworking theme’ that gets on our wick. It’s not wrong. It’s not terrible. But it’s not exactly the sexy impassioned speech we all wanted to hear.
When asked about the public perception of the Tory party, she cited some drivel about us effectively wanting more of the same, and that we want to see the Tories ‘continuing to deliver’… hmm let us all know when you make good on the Qatada promise then Theresa. There’s a good girl.
This is a bit of a moot point to be honest. With Nigel Farage being pictured downing pints at his local and his stupidly candid remarks about being taken ‘against his knowledge’ (nudge nudge) to a lap dancing bar, it’s mildly amusing that the public image of the Conservative Party has been criticised for being ‘out of touch’ with voters. Personally I’d rather my Prime Minister stayed off the booze and out of whore houses when he’s deciding policy. No? Just me then.
“I was taken once unwittingly and I did say that I wasn’t appalled by it,” he said. “I did quite like it. What you want me to say? I hated it?” Nigel Farage
Of course we’re not serious about letting this prat run our country. Would you really trust him with something as innocuous as planning a child’s birthday party, let alone controlling the deficit? Of course not! We’re not even calling for Cameron to whip his shirt off on holiday in a sad bid to woo the female votership like Toned Tone. Nope. Dave we just need for you to look a little less stiff.
So there you have it. Less of the continual bitching about the state Labour left the country in, less of the political waffle we hear on Question Time, and no more £200 silk ties that look exactly like Burton’s offering please Dave. You don’t need to pay teenagers minimum wage to wade through the Facebook and Twitter profiles of Farage’s menagerie either - just give us something to get our teeth into and come out fighting! Oh and when you’re ready, a referendum would be nice.
