Back Off Cameron - Most Of Us Can Be Trusted Not To Dole Out Red Bull

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With all the sunshine this week I didn’t have most of a chance to catch up on the major news stories. Of course you’d have had to spent the entire week with your head in jug of Pimm’s to have missed the Katie Hopkin’s saga, the IPSA recommendations on MP’s pay, and the Republic of Ireland’s (most welcome in my opinion) relaxation in abortion laws, but I did miss the furore over school lunch boxes.

It seems restauranteurs Henry Dimbleby and John Vincent have produced a report to urge Government to make school dinners free for all, and ban school lunch boxes. In a move that is apt to make Jamie Oliver squeal with delight, parents UK-wide got the hump about yet another case of government meddling. Aside from the obvious question mark over the true nutritional value of our schools offerings, parents are also left once again having to defend their decisions to an increasingly out-of-touch and government.

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In all seriousness, my memories of lunch boxes in the 80′s are hardly fond ones. Sandwiches wrapped in clingfilm and caged in Tupperware for 4 hours = sweaty cheese and borderline fresh chicken. I’d usually throw these in the bin before I got home from school in an attempt to evade a barrage of question from my well-meaning mummy. Satsumas and bananas went down well from what I can remember, but yoghurt lost its appeal when served luke-warm. Even Penguin bars and Club’s (that were used as currency in the playground in the winter) were messy and overrated in the summer.

The only thing that truly withstood any climate, length of time incarcerated in plastic, and over zealous swinging on the way to school were crisps and Mini Cheddars. But even these were subject to primary school scrutiny. If you were lucky enough to find Walker’s, Monster Munch or Pringles in your box it was thought that your parents could one day afford to take you to Disneyland, Salt n Shake, Wotsits or Frazzles meant to you stood a chance of getting on a plane come summer (perhaps for a camping holiday in France), and any supermarket own brand meant it was Butlin’s at Bognor for you. Of course these are sweeping generalisations but here are the primitive observations of the class divide as seen from the under-ten’s.

Add to this the lucky kids whose parents allowed them to drink Diet Coke outside of a restaurant setting, and the rest of us drinking Orange Squash from old Evian bottles, and it’s little wonder that school dinners were considered the Holy Grail. There wasn’t the serious debates about portion sizes and quality there are now. Burgers and chips were always on the menu and you had the option to decline vegetables. With ice cream and Angel Delight for afters, I’d often try to deliberately leave my lunch box at home so I could take an IOU slip to the food hall at lunch-time.

But things have changed. With brands falling over themselves to get into our trolleys and into our kids Ben 10 lunch box - there are a whole host of healthy and interesting things for parents to choose from. With the advent of the internet there’s also more advice than ever, and even competition among parents to make their childs mini picnic as creative as possible. From fruit skewers, to smiley-faced homemade pizza, to spicy wholegrain wraps - some parents deserve medals for their services to the humble school lunch box.

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So why is the beloved lunch box under threat? Well apparently some of our schools have spotted William getting a bit too excited after a can of Red Bull and a mini packet of Haribo. William has then caused chaos and destruction during a routine spelling test and Ms Gorman has no doubt it’s because of mums lazy and uninspired lunch box. It doesn’t matter that Jennifer is sat quietly eating her carrot batons and homemade humus, or that Johnny is trying a passion fruit for the first time as mum spotted them on offer at Tesco’s. William’s mum has single-handedly ruined school lunch boxes for the rest of us. Yep according to our schools they’re all crammed with sugar and fat and cause our children to limp through to the end-of-school bell.

What’s my verdict? I might think Jamie Oliver is a massive prat, but I do think he’s done wonders for school dinners. Give it another five years and I’m sure that new legislation, greater budgets, and academy training for our dinner ladies will have led to the greatest school dinners we’ll have ever seen in this country. But I’m not convinced we’re there yet. In truth, it should be a matter of choice. Of course, there’ll be a few unfortunate children whose parents rely on a diet of saturated fat and nasties, but it’s not for our schools to intervene.

Stripping away lunch boxes for parents who prepare them thoughtfully and conscientiously is not only a massive over-reaction, it’s insulting. It would be far cheaper to send a simple guidance letter to all parents of primary school children, and ban carbonated soft drinks from primary schools. Schools could also ensure regular fruit tasting in class-times (think making pictures out of fruit pieces, making smoothies, or tasting fruits from around the world) to get kids excited about healthy choices and hopefully begging mum to pop some blueberries in their lunch boxes.

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What concerns me most is that our school dinners are generally hot meals choices. As parents cannot see what portion sizes are like they’re likely to give children another main meal at dinner-time. That’s 2 hot main meals per day, hopefully lots of meat and veg, but not so much fruit. I’d much rather have some control of what my child eats.

So butt out Cameron. Go and sort out the deficit and crumbling NHS and leave out lunch boxes alone.


David vs Nigel - (A Note to Dave)

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You’d be hard pressed to find a better response to the Tory ‘smear campaign’ on UKIP than this one.

“If we return that favour and did exactly the same to the other parties I’m sure we’ll find more skeletons and more scandal but we wouldn’t do that because we are better than that. We are grown up and we want to fight this on principle and policy” Paul Nuttall

The statement was swift, effective and made the Tories look like desperate conspirators. Nuttall’s statement came quick on the heels of the news that a handful of UKIP candidates have links to groups such as the BNP and have allegedly made racist and homophobic comments to their handful of low-grade followers and friends on Twitter. This insidious rumour was no doubt started by the Tories.

Personally I feel the Conservatives have made a right meal out of this. The recent local elections showed a surge in UKIP votes, the Tories saw this coming, and attempted to cock block in the ugliest, and frankly most hypocritical way possible. Let’s face it, they are hardly immune to political scandal themselves! As a life-long Tory, it’s sad.

UKIP’s minor success at the recent elections is just that; minor. Although the papers have had an absolute field day with this story - harping on about how UKIP is gathering disaffected Tory votes, and ordinarily politically apathetic working class voters, but in reality, the local elections have little political merit.

I’d have rather seen a strong assertive response from the Tories. UKIP has done them an amazing favour. It’s effectively spelt out the issues that are considered the most pressing to the public namely:

  1. A stronger, clearer, and more greater publicised stance on immigration
  2. An immediate referendum on Europe (consistently promised, yet not delivered)
  3. Take 4.5 million of low incomes out of tax altogether with a simple, flat rate income tax. With a threshold set at minimum wage.
  4. Restrict free access to the NHS for non UK citizens, and ban access to the welfare system for those that have not been here for 5 years
  5. Scrap all green taxes, wind turbine subsidies and adopt nuclear power to free us from dependence on fossil fuels and foreign oil and gas
  6. Get Abu Qatada out of our country
  7. Get rid of Quangos
  8. Support Grammar schools and vocational education

Yet among these common sense policies are some utterly shocking ones that I’m surprised they would want to showcase on their website. Not only are they proposing to reintroduce smoking in pubs, are against gay marriage (note the proliferation of typos in this and sit back smugly), they also want to meddle with the NHS.

Why they haven’t learned from the early mistakes of the Tories is beyond me. They want to cobble together elected County Health Boards to allocate resources, set and monitor standards, and oversee education and training of staff. Who exactly would sit on these CHB’s? Well it’s not stated. It seems logical that the very same people who currently sit within the Department of Health (that UKIP plans to descale) would get the honours. What a faff…

Not only this - they propose to let businesses decide whether to offer maternity and paternity leave! Don’t worry though - it’s fine. An SME which refuses to offer parental leave will ‘either have to offer young women higher salaries than other businesses which offer a long leave period or simply have to recruit from a smaller pool of potential employees’ - what the actual f*%k?! Okay, I’ll have my babies, take a bit of time off with them, then re-enter the workplace and demand an extra 50% salary then? Yes please Nigel. As long as I fit all this in before I start to look withered and lose my child-bearing hips, I’m on to a winner here.

There’s simply no threat here. UKIP are simply riding the waves of public discontent and have money-no-object manifesto that appeals to the masses. They can’t afford to do all the things we all like, and we seriously don’t want to see them do the things we don’t. We were simply testing you Dave. We simply wanted to give the Tories a rude awakening and give them a hefty kick up the bum. This is the spirit in which the great UKIP surge should have been regarded.

The Tory response has been as disappointing as an episode of University Challenge hosted by Ben Shepherd; underwhelming. We want need them come out fighting with clear and new voter-friendly directives (here I refer to the great unwashed that graced the polls for the first time) that aren’t swathed in political rhetoric. I’m so fed up of watching politician’s evade a direct line of questioning - say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and ‘why’ and we’ll all respect you that little bit more.

Instead we were entreated to Theresa May’s dreary response whilst dressing for work the day after the elections. I can hardly think of someone less appetising to complement my orange juice. Educated by the state, she might have been regarded as a breath of ‘common air’ by her Etonian puppeteers, but she’s so utterly uncharismatic that I found myself yawning before I’d even got Dex out from his cot. So, what did the Tories propose to do about UKIP’s success at the booths…

“We’re conscious of the fact we need to work hard to get those votes back for the… erm… for the election. But what we need to do is show that we are working hard for hard-working people; for people who work hard and want to get on in life… that we’re dealing with the issues that want us to focus on… uh… that we’re dealing with the deficit, that we’re controlling welfare, that we’re controlling immigration. Now we have been doing these things, but we’ve always been straight with people about the size of the task we face given what we inherited from the last Labour Government… and eh so… we will carry on working hard to deal with those issues that hardworking people want us to focus on.” Theresa May

ERM… What?! What have you actually said there Theresa Bore? In-between all the umm’ing and err’ing you’ve once again whined about Labour, and once again reiterated the ‘hardworking theme’ that gets on our wick. It’s not wrong. It’s not terrible. But it’s not exactly the sexy impassioned speech we all wanted to hear.

When asked about the public perception of the Tory party, she cited some drivel about us effectively wanting more of the same, and that we want to see the Tories ‘continuing to deliver’… hmm let us all know when you make good on the Qatada promise then Theresa. There’s a good girl.

This is a bit of a moot point to be honest. With Nigel Farage being pictured downing pints at his local and his stupidly candid remarks about being taken ‘against his knowledge’ (nudge nudge) to a lap dancing bar, it’s mildly amusing that the public image of the Conservative Party has been criticised for being ‘out of touch’ with voters. Personally I’d rather my Prime Minister stayed off the booze and out of whore houses when he’s deciding policy. No? Just me then.

“I was taken once unwittingly and I did say that I wasn’t appalled by it,” he said. “I did quite like it. What you want me to say? I hated it?” Nigel Farage

Of course we’re not serious about letting this prat run our country. Would you really trust him with something as innocuous as planning a child’s birthday party, let alone controlling the deficit? Of course not! We’re not even calling for Cameron to whip his shirt off on holiday in a sad bid to woo the female votership like Toned Tone. Nope. Dave we just need for you to look a little less stiff.

So there you have it. Less of the continual bitching about the state Labour left the country in, less of the political waffle we hear on Question Time, and no more £200 silk ties that look exactly like Burton’s offering please Dave. You don’t need to pay teenagers minimum wage to wade through the Facebook and Twitter profiles of Farage’s menagerie either - just give us something to get our teeth into and come out fighting! Oh and when you’re ready, a referendum would be nice.


Poor Nick Clegg (and Why I Hate Loose Women)

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I accidentally watched an episode of Loose Women this week (my ears are still bleeding) and was reminded of why I can’t stand it. Ruth Langsford, Janet Street-Porter, Sally Lindsay, and Linda Robson were lambasting Nick Clegg, for hinting that his child Antonio might be going to private school.

They were literally harping on like the poor guy had murdered their grandmothers - despite the fact that Ruth Langsford and Linda Robson admitted they had done exactly the same thing as he was suggesting - namely shortlisting their preferred state schools but still applying to private schools in case their children didn’t get into their top choices (her’s, and Linda Robson’s kids are privately schooled as a consequence).

Loose+Women Poor Nick Clegg (and Why I Hate Loose Women)

Ruth: “So as a politician, is it Nick Clegg’s duty to support the state education system or should he have the right his right to send his children wherever he wants? ” … making her position perfectly clear later with “Nick Clegg can’t preach to the rest of us”.

Sally Lindsay: “Yes he has the right to send his children wherever he wants, of course he has, but NOT if you are the head of a political movement like the Lib Dem’s, and you say that private education is the great rift in our society” - In the same breath, she conceded that she would send hers to a private school if she couldn’t get in where she wants.

What pathetically hypocritical stances. This is not a trivial little photo opportunity like pasty-gate where he needs to get-down-with-the-masses - it’s his child’s education! Believe me, the knowledge that his kids are getting an expensive education won’t make him any less interested in our state schools - it’s the only government policy he ever talks about (not that he’s managing to have any impact whatsoever).

It seems he can’t even take a leak at the moment without someone wanting to write about it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m won’t ever be inclined to waste my vote on the Lib Dem’s, but I was intrigued at the thought of a coalition - and Nick showed all the early promise of having big enough balls to push through his ideas. But it was always going to be a tough ask, and Nick found himself up against the Juggernaut that is the Conservative Party (looking a little like a poor man’s Robin stood next to a mega-sized Batman).

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Let us not forget that he wanted to do something about the extortionate tuition fees that are growing year-by-year like Alex Ferguson’s unchecked ego. It’s not his fault that the personal wealth of the Conservative’s saw this as nosediving down the Government’s agenda leaving Clegg up Shit Creak without a paddle. If walls could talk - I suspect we’d hear Cameron’s fortress reciting desperate pitiful pleas by Clegg to Cameron in a bid to save-face in front of the voters.

From that point on, there was nothing Clegg could do to redeem himself. Worse still, he knew it. His confidence was battered and the cracks turned into gulfs. It would only be bad press from then on in.

But should he really be demonised for hinting that his children will be privately schooled? Wouldn’t we all do the same if we were fortunate enough to earn his salary? I’d be enrolling Dexter to Eton now given half the chance! In fact he actually said he would use the state education system “if it works out, but there is huge competition for places” (Hmm just like our Loose Women then).

We all want what’s best for our children - surely that’s all he wants too. It’s absolutely his right to send them wherever the hell he wants, and good on him. If someone told me (or any of the Loose Women) where they should send theirs, I’d fling a two-word response back at them - no prizes for guessing what this might be

It seems we’re all a little bit ashamed of success in this country. He works hard for his money (think of all that back-pedalling and kissing Cameron’s arse) and should be able to spend it on what he likes.

We’re so quick to roll our eyes when we see hard-working parents send their children off to private school, and start moaning about the state of our local comprehensive’s. Even the new Academies were bashed this week for low results. The truth is, they aren’t that bad. We can’t blame our child’s poor performances on strapped resources when our children should have all the additional resources and support they need at home. Their education is ultimately the responsibility of ours as parents.

 Poor Nick Clegg (and Why I Hate Loose Women)

 

 

 

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